Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Something has got to give

I feel like my head is going to explode. I am so stressed out and it is like 4 or 5 different things and I can't seem to make any great strides on any of them.

I call about the job but no one returns my phone calls. I sent an email today saying I was still interested in the position and I wanted to know if I was still in the running for the job or not. Ethan is starting to freak out about money and I have nothing to give him to make him feel better. I have some money in saving but it will only help out for another week or two. Then I don't know what. I just wish they would call. If they have no intention of hiring me then fine. I can move on and look for another job. I have an application filled out for a day program that is similar to the group home job I did. It would be nice because they are not open on weekends or holidays. But the pay will be a lot less. Of course at this point all I care is that I start getting a pay check. It sucks because I LOVE being home and don't want to work. So I have to work.

There are things I want to do to improve the house but I can't because I am not working so we don't have the extra money. We desperately need another dresser in our bedroom. I took all of the pants out of the bottom drawer so I could put the rest of Ethan's shirts in it. Now all of our pants are sitting on a tote of maternity clothes next to the dresser because I have no where to put them. I want to get one of those bookcase thingies that you put the cloth open top drawers into for Wyatt's toys. He has managed to crap the top plastic shelf that I have his toys in now. So I need something more sturdy and something that hides the chaos better. We need to stain the sliding glass door. We need to paint the living room and our bedroom this summer. But with no extra money coming in all of that has to be put on hold for now. Which just plain sucks.

I am stressing out about the results of that ultrasound. I check the website everyday but they don't post anything. They may not post anything at all. When I talked to the ultrasound tech she said I had to wait until my follow up visit to get my results from my doctor. That is still a month away. So I have no idea if anything is wrong or not. If I do have scar tissue I would have to have surgery again to remove. Obviously that is not even remotely an option right now. I can't take the week off I would need to recover from the surgery when I get a job,. And I have to get a job. If it was something I had known about weeks ago I could have done it. But now it is to late. So that might make getting pregnant very difficult or even impossible.

I am still so angry that the RE won't help us. I can't get pregnant on my own. She won't give me the Clomid. I feel like time is running out. I am doing my best to not feel hopeless but I start to wonder if we will ever have another child. I love my boys and am so grateful for them. But I want more then 2 children. I wrote on a facebook secondary infertility board that if Michelle Duggar is allowed to have 19 children then I should be allowed to have 3 or 4 children. The fact that I have 2 children helps but does not make infertility any less painful. It is not a crime to want to complete my family but this RE makes me feel like it is!

I have to lose weight if I ever want her to give me the medications. I am angry that I am being bullied into losing weight instead of doing it because I want to. All I want to do is bury my head in a bowl of mac n cheese but I know that will only make things worse. So it is a constant battle to eat less and get moving when all I want to do is sit on my butt and shovel nummy food in to make me feel better. It is a slow process and I have so much to lose that the whole thing makes my head spin.

Something has to give soon because I am pretty sure I am going to explode. I am just so frustrated and I am not sleeping well. So I am tired and cranky most of the day which makes it even harder to get up and get moving or clean the house. *sigh* If it was just one hurdle it wouldn't be so bad. It is the long line of hurdles in front of me that is making my nuts.

Thursday, April 5, 2012


I had an ultrasound done today to check for endometriosis. They didn't tell me anything at the appointment. She said I would have to wait until my follow up appointment with my RE on May 9th to get the results. I am checking the website to see if anything is posted with some results like they did with the blood test results. But so far nothing has shown up. It is going to be a looooooong wait for the follow up appointment. Fingers crossed that their is no scar tissue again because I don't have time to take a week off to heal from surgery again. Plus I don't want any more hurdles to have to jump to complete our family.